A MODERN PARABLE
Who will help me plant the wheat'? asked the Little Red Hen.
'Not I,' said the cow. 'Not I,' said the duck. 'Not I,' said the pig. 'Not I,' said the goose.'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen. 'Not I,' said the duck.. 'Out of my classification,' said the pig. 'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow. 'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose. 'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. 'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen. 'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow. 'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck. 'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig. 'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.' 'Excess profits!' cried the cow.'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. 'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy, Let's re-distribute the wealth!" 'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen. 'Exactly,' said the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.' But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD? OR WHAT?
"Ultimate Reasons You Might Be in the Wrong Church"
(Original version Copyright 2000 by Keith Todd of the Sermon Fodder. This version has been edited.)
You Might Be In The Wrong Church If............
- You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside.
- The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
- The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as a polka!
- It's over 100 degrees outside, and the trustees haven't approved turning on the air conditioning yet.
- Everyone drives a nicer car than the pastor.
- They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.
- The preacher is wearing a "David Koresh Rules!" t-shirt
- The sign out front says "First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship." (In Del Rio, Texas?)
- A week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be "closed for the holidays."
- Everyone agrees the temperature in the Sanctuary is absolutely perfect!
- The music director has you sing "Amazing Grace" in the round (a la "row row row your boat").
- The pastor is out of town, but he leaves a video taped message to be shown during the worship service.
- The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
- You are a member of AARP but they ask you to attend "Children's Church."
- The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe."
- The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a jacuzi.
- The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a "kickin'" new Harley.
- Elders Council "prayer meetings" usually break up in a fight for the remote control.
- New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince McMahon.
- On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor.
- You are told your offering is nice but the ushers want your wallet, watch, and wedding rings too.
- The usher that meets you at the door says "Hurry on in, the show is about ready to start."
- The announcements last 2 minutes and include the starting time of the afternoon's NASCAR Race, the sermon lasts 6 minutes, and the benediction is "Christians, start your engines ."
- The pastor wears his golf togs in the pulpit.
- The regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las Vegas or Atlantic City.
- The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double.
- On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the pastor."
- A Hazmat team just sealed the doors and placed quarantine signs up.
- People in the last 10 pews are yelling for more pepperoni pizza with anchovies.
- Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts.
- You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service begins moving.
- You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start.
- The pastor search committee never disbands.
- Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is "Morality In America - How To Be A Shining Example."
- The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style "Heeeeere's Sparky."
- The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
- Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed along the pews.
- The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
- The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the songs are about money.
- The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
- The Choir wears black leather robes.
- The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!
- The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"! (Yes, with sunglasses)
- The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
- The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
- The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book..."
- When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
- New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.
- You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions or offers to let you "pick any six."
- The Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
- The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership, a Bible, church-by-laws, and an assault rifle.
- You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible, including the preacher.
- The Ushers ask "Smoking or non-smoking?"
- The Church bus has a gun rack.
- There's an ATM machine in the vestibule.
- Members of the Women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
...and the number one sign you're in the wrong church...
- They have open Communion ...but there is a two-drink minimum.
From an email from Robert White.
A Little Gun History Lesson:
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.
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China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million 'educated' people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
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Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million.
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It has now been over 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own government, a program cost ing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars. The first year results are now in:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 3. 2 percent
Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!
It will never happen here? I bet the Aussies said that too!
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.
There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how pub lic safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in successfully ridding Australian society of guns. The Australian experience and the other historical facts above prove it.
You won't see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians
disseminating this information.
Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes,
gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.
Take note my fellow Americans, before it ' s too late!
The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind him
of this history lesson.
With Guns............. We Are 'Citizens'.
Without Them........ We Are 'Subjects'.
During W.W.II the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew most Americans were ARMED!
Note: Admiral Yamamoto who crafted the attack on Pearl Harbor had attended Harvard U 1919-1921; and was Naval Attaché to the U. S. 1925-28. Most of our Navy was destroyed at Pearl Harbor and our Army had been deprived of funding and was ill- prepared to defend the country.
It was reported that when asked why Japan did not follow up the Pearl Harbor attack with an invasion of the U. S Mainland, his reply was that he had lived in the U. S. and knew that almost all households had guns.
The following sent to us by Shari Herring.
Dentist's Hymn....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn..................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn......................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn..................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn....................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.....................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn..............Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn..................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn..................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over
the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn....................... The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.........Precious Memories
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Have A Blessed Day
"If it weren't for adversity you wouldn't know you are alive" Johnny
B. Shewmaker
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
broadside throughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming
"WOW, WHAT A RIDE!" author unkown
I AM A SOLDIER IN GOD’S ARMY
(Author Unknown)
I am a soldier in the Army of my God. The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer. The Holy Bible is my code of conduct. Faith, prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare.
I have been taught by the Holy Spirit, Trained by experience, Tried by adversity And tested by fire. I was chosen for this Army, And I am involved for Eternity.
I will either retire in this Army at the Rapture Or die in this Army; But I will not get out, Sell out, Be talked out, Or pushed out.
I am faithful, Reliable, Capable And dependable.
If my God needs me, I am there. If He needs me in the Sunday School, To teach the children, Work with the youth, Help adults Or just sit and learn. He can use me because I am there! I am a soldier.
I am not a baby. I do not need to be pampered, Petted, Primed up, Pumped up, Picked up Or pepped up. I am a soldier.
No one has to call me, Remind me, Write me, Visit me, Entice me, Or lure me. I am a soldier. I am not a wimp. I am in place, Saluting my King, Obeying His orders, Praising His name, And building His kingdom! No one has to send me flowers, Gifts, food, cards, candy Or give me handouts. I do not need to be cuddled, Cradled, Cared for, or catered to. I am committed.
I cannot have my feelings hurt Bad enough to turn me around. I cannot be discouraged enough To turn me aside. I cannot lose enough To cause me to quit.
When Jesus called me into His Army, I had nothing. If I end up with nothing, I will still come out ahead. I will win. My God has and will continue To supply all of my needs. I am more than a conqueror. I will always triumph. I can do all things through Christ.
Demons cannot defeat me. People cannot disillusion me. Weather cannot weary me. Sickness cannot stop me. Battles cannot beat me. Money cannot buy me. Governments cannot silence me And Hell cannot handle me. I am a soldier.
Even death cannot destroy me. For when my Commander Calls me from this battlefield, He will show death who's in charge. I am a soldier in the Army, And I'm marching claiming victory. I will not give up. I will not turn around. I am a soldier,
marching Heaven bound. Here I stand! Will you stand with me?
Guess what? If God has called you by the Gospel to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior you are NOW in the LORD’S army, WOW!
A LESSON ON ABSTINENCE
"I was holding a notice from my 13-year-old son's school announcing a meeting to preview the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there. As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of pregnancy or disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing. When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were any questions. I asked why abstinence did not play a noticeable part in the material.
What happened next was shocking. There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit, I should go back to burying my head in the sand. The teacher and the nurse said nothing as I drowned in a sea of embarrassment. My mind had gone blank, and I could think of nothing to say. The teacher explained to me that the job of the school was to "teach facts," and the home was responsible for moral training. I sat in silence for the next 20 minutes as the course was explained. The other parents seemed to give their unqualified support to the materials.
"Donuts, at the back," announced the teacher during the break. "I'd like you to put on the name tags we have prepared - they're right by the donuts - and mingle with the other parents."
Everyone moved to the back of the room. I watched them affixing their nametags and shaking hands; I sat deep in thought. I was ashamed that I had not been able to convince them to include a serious discussion of abstinence in the materials. I uttered a silent prayer for guidance. My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse's hand on my shoulder. "Won't you join the others, Mr. Layton?" The nurse smiled sweetly at me. "The donuts are good." "Thank you, no," I replied.
"Well, then, how about a name tag? I'm sure the others would like to meet you." "Somehow I doubt that," I replied. "Won't you please join them?" she coaxed. Then I heard a still, small voice that whispered, "Don't go." The instruction was unmistakable. "Don't go!" "I'll just wait here," I said.
When the class was called back to order, the teacher looked around the long table and thanked everyone for putting on nametags. She ignored me.
Then she said, "Now we're going to give you the same lesson we'll be giving your children. Everyone please peel off your name tags." I watched in silence as the tags came off. "Now, then, on the back of one of the tags, I drew a tiny flower. Who has it, please?" The gentleman across from me held it up. "Here it is!" "All right, she said. "The flower represents disease. Do you recall with whom you shook hands?" He pointed to a couple of people. "Very good," she replied. "The handshake in this case represents intimacy. So the two people you had contact with now have the disease." There was laughter and joking among the parents.
The teacher continued, "And whom did the two of you shake hands with?" The point was well taken, and she explained how this lesson would show students how quickly disease is spread. "Since we all shook hands, we all have the disease."
It was then that I heard the still, small voice again. "Speak now, it said, "but be humble." I noted wryly the latter admonition, and then rose from my chair. I apologized for any upset I might have caused earlier, congratulated the teacher on an excellent lesson that would impress the youth, and concluded by saying I had only one small point I wished to make. "Not all of us were infected," I said. "One of us...abstained."
On Parenthood:
- Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
- You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who have never had any!
- Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
- God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
- Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children..
- Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- The joy of motherhood: what a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere - and hide the keys to the car.
- Avenge yourself - live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour.
- There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tells them to get lost.
- The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime.